Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Who am I? small 'i', Capital ‘I’

Notes by Lalita's father written before his death.

‘I’:  säkñé chaitanya – my ‘truth’

i : reflection of the ‘truth’, vyävahärika caitanyam. The ‘I’ which is covered by ignorance and appearing as if it is a separate entity.

‘I’,  which appears as i is ever existent all-knowing, all pervading, undifferentiated cit, Pure knowledge. i am non different from ‘I’. Whenever ‘I’ connect Myself with My adjunct ‘mäyä, ‘I’ appear to Myself as a seprate entity – i


1.               1. Always existent:  ‘I’ appear in all the three states of existence, viz. jägrat svapna suñupti  – i.e. waking, dream and deep sleep. These three states keep changing always, one coming after another. The knowledge existing in one state does not remain in another state. Yet i as ‘I’ know that ‘I’ existed in all the three varying states continuously without change. If it was not so, i who am a separate entity in this waking state will not be able to state with conviction that i slept well or that i dreamt while i was asleep.

2.               Always aware: My knowledge and My existence as Pure Consciousness are non different from each other. Even though for the sake of clarity ‘I’ am known as ‘sat’ (Truth) and cit (Intelligence) differently, there is no differentiation in ‘Me’. ‘I’ am ever existent awareness.

3.               Always undivided : ‘I’ in this waking state appear as i with several other i’s subject to various divisions and appearing as separate from each other. Similarly in dream state also even though ‘I’ appeared with body and limbs, ‘I’ know that ‘I’ existed in the form of pure knowledge only and appeared to myself as many. From this ‘I’ as ‘I’ know that there is no change whatsoever in me even though ‘I’ appeared to myself as being many. ‘I’ am therefore always undivided.


4.               Cit: In the dream state, the usually known lighting equipment like lamps or the knowledge through which we learn about things in the waking state are not there. Yet remaining as ‘I’ and without such equipment and tools of learning in the dream state, ‘I’ saw and knew the things in the dream state. How was ‘I’ able to do this? It is because ‘I’ am self effulgent, always illumining knowledge – cit, through which ‘I’  saw and understood things in the dream state.

5.               All pervading : From the foregoing we understand that i is undifferentiated and pure and all pervading, as ‘I’. Covered by ignorance i think that i am bound within this body.

6.               Pure knowledge: in my three states of existence viz. jägrat svapna suñupti, all activities taking place here do not affect ‘Me’ because ‘I’ merely remain as a support for the three states and exist unchanging as Pure knowledge in all these states.


Since ‘I’ am cit – Intelligence, ‘I’ imagine all things other than myself within Myself by Myself. Since all things are subject to My imagination, these things do not have a separate existence by themselves. Even though non existent, these things appear to exist only when ‘I’ imagine their existence.

In the states of dream and waking, inside and outside my body, it appears as though i see and understand various things with the help of my indriyas (sense organs). During all such times when i see things and know things, i becomes ‘I’. How? If i do not remain as ‘I’, i will not be able to exist as i or see or know anything round me at all. Why? Because i am only a projection of ‘I’ in My own imagination. If ‘I’ am not there how can My projection which is i exist? A thing which is imagined cannot in reality exist. Since in reality it is non existent,  it cannot see or understand things. Yet i exist. How? Because i am none other than ‘I’ cit – Intelligence. Since i am cit, i appear to be seeing and knowing things around me. When i see this body i know it is myself.

Through the sense organ ‘eye’, i see this body which appears to be mine. Eyes are a part of the body which is itself an imagined entity. Since it is a part of the imagined body, the eye too is a false entity. But as ‘I’,  i now and see this body.

Just as ‘I’ appears as i in this waking state, ‘I’ appear as i in the dream state also, in which state i saw myself and others in dream without the sense organ eye in that state. ‘I’ saw then because of My own effulgence – ‘I’ know this now. But i as i in this waking state do not know this. Why? Because i was sleeping at that time. Yet i, at that time in dream state or now in waking state, am non different from ‘I’. because ‘I’ alone exist. ‘I’ alone exist during the dream state or during the waking state or at any other time (i.e. when ‘I’ do not imagine my existence at all.)

In the state of deep state (during which period either the i which exists along with body in jagrat state or the i which exists without the body in dream state is not there. ‘I’ existed and ‘I’ know now that ‘I’ existed then. Is it not so?

i appear and disappear, appear and disappear, but i as ‘I’ exist permanently always with knowledge. i is not different from ‘I’. if i am different from ‘I’ how and where can i really exist? Since ‘I’ alone exist i must be existing only in ‘I’. since ‘I’ am indivisible ‘I’ cannot in reality exist as i and ‘I’ separately and simultaneously at any time. Therefore ‘I’ alone appear to Myself as i at different times. Even though in reality ‘I’ am always ‘I’, ‘I’ appear to Myself in My imagination as though ‘I’ have converted Myself as i with body and limbs.

Though because of the connection with unexplainable ignorance (anirvacanéyä mäyä) which ‘I’ have sheltered in Myself, ‘I’ appear as i. i always remain as ‘I’ since i a ever existent pure knowledge. i and all that i comprehend through my sense organs are the product of ignorance and therefore false. This ‘I’ know for certain. Whether as i or as ‘I’, ‘I’ alone am the seer of everything, knower of everything. What do ‘I’ see? what do ‘I’ know? Existing as pure knowledge, ‘I’ see and know all those things which ‘I’ imagine within Myself. ‘i’know that all these things are false (because these are merely My imaginations). Further as pure knowledge, ‘I’ know that ‘I’ am the source for all that is seen and known including the i with body and limbs.

‘I’ am ‘bhümä’ (immensity). Ignorance is alpam (small). When ignorance manifests, it covers a very small portion of Myself. When thus covered, ‘I’ appear as i. since ‘I’ am ever existent cit, with My own knowledge i think that i am different from ‘I’. but as the remaining limitless bhümä, ‘I’ know Myself as pure cit. Since i alone exist, whether covered with ignorance or uncovered as Myself, i consider myself as ‘I’ pure cit. ‘I’ know that ‘I’ exist as bhümä. When covered by the alpam – ignorance, ‘I’ Myself become the ignorant i. An ignorant i. who does not know its true svarüpa. (How wonderful!)

Since this matter is proved only by experience, it has to be accepted as long as ‘I’ remain as i. i think that i am subjected to dvaita whenever ‘I’ appear as i (‘I’ covered by ignorance). But since i am not different from ‘I’, when i enter into my bhümä position, i remain only as ‘I’.

Did ‘I’ really exist as i? no. ‘I’ existed as i only in My imagination. Why? Since ‘i’am indivisibl;e how can ‘I’ be different from Myself? So it has to be an imagination only.

i shall now remain as ‘I’ and analyse if, in reality, i am different from ‘I’. as the limitless bhümä, my real svarüpa – pure knowledge – cit – i shall now investigate myself remaining as ‘I’.

As the limitless bhümä and existing as pure knowledge and knowing that ‘I’ am all this, what do ‘I’ see? not with this sense organ ‘eye’ but by My knowledge and by Myself? ‘I’ see Myself in a portion of Myself as i, i1, i2, i3, i4, world.

Do i not see this? Yes, i see it. Even though i think that i see, i actually see them remaining as ‘I’. Why do i think that i see? Because of My imagination. i think like that. When ‘I’ see Myself through this veil of imagination, ‘I’ appear to Myself as i, i2, i3, world etc. In reality, ‘I’ do not exist as several i’s. Since these are images produced in My imagination, they are all false. However, when i exist as a projection of cit through the veil of ignorance i appear as a separate entity to me. In reality such existence is not there at all. How can i know about this with certainty?

If ‘I’ investigate My three states – jägrat svapna suñupti ( waking, dream and deep sleep) i will know about this with certainty. For example in the dream state ‘I’ existed as i. Moreover i saw several i’s there. Yet ‘I’ knew that i existed in dream state only as an appearance. Not only this i but also other i’s seen in dream state were also only appearances and ‘I’ know this for sure. The appearance of i in the jägrat state also is of similar kind. (i have no knowledge that it is ‘I’).

i consider myself to be i. but in reality i am ‘I’. even when ‘I’ exist as i, i1, i2, i3,  ‘I’, know that these are mere appearances and that these are false. Only when ‘I’, exist as a separate entity i, i1, or i2,   ‘I’ am subjected to grief and sorrow. Instead of seeing as a separate i, if ‘I’ see Myself in My real svarüpa as the Seer and knower of everything then for this i there is no delusion of mind and there is no sorrow since i then attains self knowledge and knows it is and becomes ‘I’, ekatvam ädvaitam, ‘I’.

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